My Dear Sister in Christ,
It is difficult enough to be conscientious in doing what you believe to be right without facing discouraging moments of criticism. I would prefer it never happened, but everyone gets criticized, even those who do jobs well. It even has the potential to be a positive thing if we use it wisely. No one enjoys it, but some of us are better at taking it than others. What is the secret to their calm courage to forge ahead? I cannot speak from the position of one who is not disquieted by criticism, but I have learned over time a few coping mechanisms I hope will help you.
Remain humble. No one is perfect so don’t act like you think you are. It is not enjoyable to have failings pointed out, but if nothing is ever said we would not have opportunities to grow. Take each criticism as an opportunity. Solomon said someone who is already wise and understanding will receive instruction (Prov 1:1-7). You can always learn more.
- Distance yourself. Sometimes I get upset because I feel I am being personally attacked by the criticism. Instead, focus on the content of what was said. It is not true or false based on your emotional response to it. If it is a justified observation you will be glad it was mentioned. Ask first, “Is this true?” Do not assume you are always in the right or always wrong. If it is the criticism that is wrong, you can kindly pass over it.
- Process the information. If you can see yourself reacting emotionally to the issue, then you need to stop and allow calm humility and evaluation to analyze things. Perhaps you need to ask for time from the one who is criticizing to think about it. That is much better than saying something as an emotional reaction that could damage your relationship.
- Ask for clarification. Even if you feel like you have just been stabbed in the heart you want to know what the specific issue is. Maybe they are incorrect in their evaluation of an event. This would give you a chance to clarify and remove the misunderstanding. Perhaps you did not understand how something was being taken by others. You want to know what others are thinking so that you can avoid creating problems in the future.
- Consider the source. One tricky part of any confrontation is the motives of those involved. Do not assume the worst of your brethren. However, if you know they are experiencing hardships it may be they are not censoring their own words as they normally might. Perhaps they are hurting and need help. Perhaps they are not mature in Christ and their evaluation of the situation is flawed. Maybe you perceive criticism when none was intended. Be the understanding one in the conversation that you would like for them to be with you.
- Consider the courage it took for them to bring up the subject. Most people avoid confrontation. A few enjoy feeling superior and pointing out flaws, but most of your loving brethren just want to help you. Thank them for their concern. Promise to think about it. Reaffirm your love for them. If the criticism is justified or not this alone may be enough to diffuse the tension between you.
I need to be the person others feel they can talk to. Whether or not criticism is constructive is largely a matter of how I react to it and use it.
Your loving friend,
Laurie Moyer
“Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance” Proverbs 1:5
