I’m going to talk about what we usually don’t like to talk about because neglect on this matter has, I believe, led to some bad consequences in the way we might think or act. While there is a general apprehension to talk about it, we need to recognize that sex is a biblical topic. We cannot deny that, and because it is a biblical topic, we must conclude that it is important to God. If it is important to God, then it ought to be important to us. 

We usually talk about sex in the context of affirming what is sinful about sexual matters: fornication, adultery, homosexual practice, pornography, etc. Scripture does indeed address this, too, but that is not my purpose here. While we need to address the sin, we make a grave mistake if we don’t address the positive side of godly, sexual relations in marriage. I’ve no intention to be inappropriate or unduly explicit, but if this is too much for you, then look away now. Just remember, if we don’t teach the truth about sex, our children will get more than they or we want from our culture. We all know this. 

Sex is not dirty. It is not an evil. Like anything, sex can be abused and be turned into something sinful, but that is not the same as recognizing that sex in itself is not dirty or sinful. If we teach or talk in such a way as to leave that impression, then we need to change how we talk about it. Why? 

Because that view would be wrong. Further, if we generally leave the impression that sex itself is dirty, then we are instilling something unhealthy and wrong in the hearts of our children. Think of this scenario (versions of which I have seen): 

A girl grows up under the impression that sex is dirty, thinking there is something inherently wrong about it. Perhaps she gets the idea that it’s not really something to be enjoyed but rather endured in marriage for the purpose of having children, and, if anything beyond that, maybe once in a while giving in to avoid other problems. She sees herself as an object to help some guy she calls her husband not lust after others. When she gets married, her first sexual experience (or so it ought to be) is tainted by her inability to let go of the feeling that it is dirty. This is not a good starting point. 

Perhaps a boy grows up hearing that sex is so taboo that he has no real idea about how to engage in a loving relationship with a wife. Sex with his wife is seen only as something to help against lust, so he tends to see her more as an object for personal fulfillment rather than lovingly becoming one together. Again, not a good starting point. 

Sex may be seen as so wrong and taboo in itself that young hearts and eyes, upon rebellion, seek to cross the line through pornography and various forms of experimentation. They are not thinking in terms of the beauty of sex that will one day be theirs to enjoy. They think sex is dirty anyway, so why does it matter when the line is crossed? Sex becomes a selfish means of temporary pleasure, but it’s not the wonderful, beautiful experience that God intended. In our culture, sex is about power, selfish personal entitlements (hence the harassment problems), and freedom of personal expression no matter the consequences. There is a better way. 

God made male and female for a reason, and one of the stated reasons is so that they can come together as husband and wife to become one flesh: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen 2:24-25). While “one flesh” may be more than sexual relations, it is certainly inclusive of that. The man and his wife were naked together and unashamed. This is God’s intention from the beginning, and it is beautiful. 

Further, while sex is needed and intended for procreation, that is not the only reason for which God designed sexual relations. Sex is meant to be pleasurable, and when enjoyed in its proper context of marriage, it is one of God’s greatest gifts. Listen to the wisdom of Proverbs 5:15-18: 

Drink water from your own cistern,

flowing water from your own well.

Should your springs be scattered abroad,

streams of water in the streets?

Let them be for yourself alone,

and not for strangers with you.

Let your fountain be blessed,

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love.

I love the imagery here. Scripture brilliantly uses euphemistic language to describe what ought to be obvious to us. Think of the wonder of this: “be intoxicated always in her love.” God wants the sexual relationship to be enjoyed, to be “intoxicating,” to be fully experienced and appreciated. It is not to be avoided. It is not to be considered dirty. It is not something of which husband and wife should be ashamed. They ought, rather, to drink deeply. 

In teaching the Song of Solomon, I have often said something like this: “You know, when you read the Song and you get the impression of what it is talking about…? Well, that IS what it’s talking about!” It is about the sexual desires and love expressed between two lovers. Think, specifically, about the idea that the poem of chapter four essentially describes a wedding day. The groom sees his bride and his breath is taken away. She has kept herself pure, “a garden locked… a spring locked, a fountain sealed” (4:12). Yet he also sees that she is “a garden fountain… a well of living water” (4:15 — note: describing her as “living water” is amazing, given how “living water” is used elsewhere in Scripture). He says, 

Awake, O north wind,

and come, O south wind!

Blow upon my garden,

let its spices flow.

She responds willingly and lovingly: 

Let my beloved come to his garden,

and eat its choicest fruits.

We all know what this is talking about! They are coming together to consummate their marriage, to make love and enjoy each other in all ways. It’s beautiful. It’s mesmerizing. It’s wonderful. Just read the Song because this imagery is all through there. 

Our young people need to know this. This, alone, can be a great motivator to stay pure for the one to whom they will give themselves. Then, notice what happens next as chapter five begins: 

I came to my garden, my sister, my bride,

I gathered my myrrh with my spice,

I ate my honeycomb with my honey,

I drank my wine with my milk.

They partake of each other. The marriage is consummated. This was not about having children here. This was about completely enjoying one another’s love. They were, as Proverbs 5 says, intoxicated with one another’s love. But that’s not the end of it. Perhaps my favorite part of this is what is said next: 

Eat, friends, drink,

and be drunk with love!

I don’t know exactly who said this. It may the chorus, but I believe it is ultimately God Himself who is giving His complete approval to the pleasure of this sexual union. As in Proverbs 5:18, so here. Sexual pleasure is like an intoxication, and God explicitly says through this great book that He approves. It is what He wants for husband and wife. Shall we teach anything less? 

In the New Testament, husbands and wives are told that their bodies do not belong to themselves, but to each other (1 Cor 7:3-5): 

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another…” 

Sex is not meant to be a power struggle. It should never be used as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. It should never be held over someone’s head as a tool for getting what you want in other matters. It is not about control, but just the opposite, really, as they give up control of their bodies to one another. The husband belongs to his wife as much as she belongs to him. There is no place for selfishness here. The bed is not the place for making demands or trying to get your own way. As in all other matters in marriage, it is still within the context of the wife respecting her husband and the husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church (Eph 5:22-33). 

Husbands and wives, enjoy each other. Give in to each other. Be intoxicated in your love together. Do not deprive each other. God made it to be enjoyed and experienced without shame. 

Now, someone might be reading this and think, “yeah, that’s all good, but I messed up. I gave in before marriage.” The gospel is for you, as it is for us all who have sinned. You need not see sex as dirty when you experience God’s forgiveness. Even marriages that have been violated can find healing and love once again. The gospel is God’s power, not only to save, but to renew and refresh. Bask in the grace of God, then seek His will with your spouse (or future spouse). 

In a culture where sex is so often brought up in a negative context, Christians need to be reminded that it is God’s will that husband and wife enjoy one another in a beautiful “one flesh” union (Heb 13:4). May God help us to purge the evil thoughts, the lusts that lead us to overt sin, and start fresh in understanding the beauty of this loving union. 

Doy Moyer